The first big hitter came in the form of Sweden, with their competitor, Loreen, remorselessly imprinting the chorus of power ballad Tattoo – big swooping note, cute trilling hook, big swooping note – into brains across the continent, despite lying down for most of the performance. Once again ably doing the affectionate mickey-taking perfected by the late Terry Wogan, Norton helped us through it all, kindly bigging up some of the less innovative acts and slyly dismissing also-rans, while also managing to gently satirise the presenting, despite being a part of the presentation team himself. After that, he and Eurovision settled into their rhythm, the songs offering the modern mix of mechanised modern pop – big wobbly key changes have long since gone out of fashion – and bewildering regional eccentricity. Norton was audibly breathless as he introduced the second act, Portugal, whose song was fast fado with a crimson-feathered Weimar flourish. “Auntie Gladys, do your calf stretches please.” “There’s a signature dance move coming up,” said Mel Giedroyc, filling in on the voiceover while Norton made his way up the stairs. The performances began, as only Eurovision could, with the Gaga-Dada kick-drum funk of Austria’s Teya & Salena, a duo singing about being possessed by Edgar Allan Poe (chorus: “Poe! Poe! Poe, Poe, Poe!”) with Poe’s face rendered in glowing red pixels on the 50ft screen behind them.
He was there with Hannah Waddingham, Alesha Dixon and Ukrainian rockstar Julia Sanina for their introductory remarks, before trotting back to his booth. The show solved the problem of whether regular BBC commentator Graham Norton ought to stay in the booth and talk exclusively to UK viewers, or go on stage to co-present the show itself, by making him do both. When that was over, it was time to meet the hosts. The show opened with a reprise of Stefania, our polite indulgence made easier by the distraction of a video treatment with shades of the filmed inserts at the 2012 Olympics: making inexplicable guest appearances were Joss Stone, a demonically grinning Andrew Lloyd Webber and, seated at a piano in a Windsor Castle drawing room, the Princess of Wales.
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